A dreamer dreaming of a dream.

I am seriously confused and I needed an outlet. I don't think I really desperately need or want anyone to hear my shoutout but I need to write anyway. Perhaps I have been afk (learnt this from a dear friend of mine-- it means away from keyboard) for too long. Apparently I might have a little problem with keeping away from my computer for too long. It makes me a little crazy and I begin to drum my fingers alot. I wonder if it is a sign of addiciton. After all, I do not suffer withdrawal symptoms.. Kinda. I mean, I do not constantly think of my computer when I am not around it. But in my little apartment, we need each other.. Kinda. It does get cold and lonely here sometimes..

Ok. I am rambling. I will also most probably delete this soon. Meanwhile, some mad person might just read this.

But shit, I'm confused. I don't understand why I still obsess about a certain dream the way that I do. I mean, seriously, I'm not supposed to anymore. This is not supposed to happen to me because I had already worked it all out in my head and it was logical and plausible and I understood it clearly. [I am sorry, whoever is reading this btw, cause I cannot have a context for this but at the same time I need to say it just to clear my head so I can go to sleep. Long day tomorrow.]

I am level headed. I need to be level headed. God put a good head on my shoulders. Yet I worry incessantly about so many things and I torture myself often about I don't know what. I really am happy though. Meanwhile, I just seem to enjoy putting my mind through great stress and emotional torment as I replay so many things that have happened in my life-- happy, sad, angry, annoyed.. Wishing to relive some, hoping some had never gone away, feeling that empty space, knowing I had it filled, emptying it out again, wondering if there is anything there, or if there is anyone there. Wondering if there was ever anyone there or that I had imagined it all or created someone to love.

I hate that feeling. It's terrible. To imagine that I can place such immense stress on anyone to.. become another person because it could possibly make me happy. And when I'm in love with this dream, who am I in love with? Does my dream exist? Did this dream ever exist? Will my dream exist? Should I even call it a dream? I don't want to do that to anyone. I wish to make people happy but time and time again I seem to be so excellent at bringing misery that I am beginning to doubt myself.

I laugh easily and I seem to entertain people easily enough. Who is there to see me cry, though? Who wants to? I know of a dream who was there for me. Always. No matter what time, no matter how hard it was, no matter how painful. A dream who would dream with me, cry with me, hurt with me, be afraid with me, hide in my world in me, and love me despite all my failings. A dream who wasn't afraid to speak of love and of the immense love that this dream had for me. A dream that was, perhaps, lost. A dream that might have been thrown away. A dream that was pushed too far? I shouldn't. A dream that I brutally murdered. I shouldn't. A dream that I still continually dream about. I am lost in my dreams.