Retrospect

Such a huge topic, and one that I will probably re-visit with greater care in the future but one which I would like to re-enter my blog with.

It has been over 2 years since I've even thought of this blog. Completely forgot its existence while the world of blogging has exploded beyond belief. However, I still hold on to the same premise upon which I began blogging: to document the stuff my busy fingers create all those late nights when everyone else is sleep. Except now I have to go find all those little scraps of paper and documents on my computer that I've been writing on for the years past.

I have been reading all my old posts to get a sense of how I was like then. Wow, it really amazes me how little I have changed in some ways, and how much I have grown in others. Of course there is nothing surprising about that since I am going through the so-called "right" age to be going through changes. But theory is always amazing, to me, in practice.

Hence I am enjoying the views through retrospective lenses. Things are clearer with those lenses, things are funnier with that voice, emotions dulled with that distance-- and time. The time that now affords itself from the past seems to do a good job of toning down the harsh lighting of the present.

Life is good. I want to say it now lest I forget, declare it now lest I begin to grumble again. I have such a blessed life and am even more blessed to have my eyes opened to appreciate it. I will, meanwhile, make a greater effort in documenting my thoughts here.

My travels and life stories will be logged in a separate blog-- my travelogue. Mostly for less confusion as the travel journal is meant to be more straight-forward. That way people interested in my travels do not have to plow through my sometimes convoluted thoughts merely to enjoy the sights I have seen. Yup! Peace out.

I'm lovin' it

drinkin' with a keg full of beer, laughin' with great company, high from everything.. what more could a girl want?

it's way fantastic. I'm so tired from these couple of days though.. happy times!! I feel so free.. Free to do everything and nothing with all the choices I could ever want whilst still typing as fast as I ever do whilst I'm absolutely wasted. I love it. I'm lovin' it. *smuacks*

Love

I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy going or a clanging bell. I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains - but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may give away everyhing I have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if I have no love, this does me no good.

Love is patient and kind;
it is not jealous or conceited or proud;
love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable;
love does not keep a record of wrongs;
love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
Love never gives up;
and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am an adult, I have no more use of childish ways. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as God's knowledge of me.

Meanwhile, these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

Home at last!

I am back home finally and i"m so freaking tired. I think I must really be growing old.. :) I used to love plane rides so much, it was almost as fun as the trip itself. Now, it's not so fun anymore.. Maybe it's cause I was carrying a tonne of shit and had to walk through 3 terminals of the SLC airport.. Still... Grrrr...

One good that came out of today is that I think I have rekindled my love for kids. I mean, I guess it was never gone, but I just don't see many kids around here. So today I made two new friends. They are lovely, blonde, and cute. Isn't it great? And talking to them is not stressful, always smiley, and they seem to be in awe of everything I do or say. Did I say it wasn't stressful? Hmmm.. I might have to take that back. It's no fun to be God.

So my each new friend I made on each plane managed to keep my journey more blessed, endearing, and less trying.. But kids can only be THAT much fun when they're not yours, nor related to you somehow. Else people might get paranoid with what you're doing with their kids when their kids wanna spend more time with you than them. That's never good.

I'm rambling and I ought to go do something: pack my house, do laundry, shower, sleep, unpack, complete my incomplete, pack for my hike tomorrow, cook or eat something since I haven't yet eaten today.. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting here stoning. I'm overcome by inertia.

More about the trip sometime..

Occupied on a sofa

I had almost forgotten that I have a blog until recently when I realised I ought to stop taxing my computer hard drive with all my lamentations. So, hopefully I will update this often now, and figure out how to post loads of pictures..

I love the couch in the Women's Center.. It is red, soft, and suede. I don't think it actually gets any better actually.. Unless maybe more comfortable clothes than a bloody SQ outfit that I wore for an interview today. Cuddling up on a sofa in a tight skirt isn't my idea of fun. And being absolutely unable to begin on my work isn't that great either. I've just spent the most part of my day here in school doing absolutely nothing, feeling frustrated about everything and occupying a beautiful sofa.

Maybe all I need after this is a degree, a kickass masters, a wonderful husband, a couple of beautiful kids, a huge house in a serene neighbourhood with servants to clean up after, a garage full of cars that will send my blood racing through my veins..

I'm occupied indeed. Just not with the right things I guess. It all boils down to.. As it always boils down to.. What I want in life. Isn't that it? Well, I have an idea. I have plenty of ideas. My life, my mind.. always full of ideas. That's why everyone who knows me knows I always think of things, and always ask questions.. Dreams, ideas, thoughts, feelings and reality. When doth a mish-mash become a whole?

No, I don't need help to complete the picture. I don't need help for anything. I don't need anything that is not volunteered, I don't need anything that isn't already there. So what if there are some things I would like that I may not be the best at? I can do it. Alone. I hated being lonely. So I grow to love solitude instead. But in the end.. I hope.. A little girl's wish: Will somebody please complete my picture with me?

In Knight in the middle of the night

For lack of better words, this sucks. I just looked into my lunch bag. (I have no idea why they call it lunch bag, by the way, for this is no lunch...) One bag of mini Chips Ahoy (crunch..), one Nature Valley Granola strawberry yoghurt bar (Mmm..), one Baby Ruth's and one Almond Joy plus one third of a blueberry bagel with cream cheese later, I have not progressed in writing my paper. This is really bad. I have been sitting in the Knight Library Computer Lab for like.. what.. even my math fails me. Hang on, 10pm, 11pm, 12mn, 1am, 2am.. 4 hours. Can't count, can I? I have eaten a whole bunch of crap (good crap), can barely feel my ass and I haven't typed a single word for my essay that is due in.. less than 9 hours. I have 10 pages to write. That excludes the blib etc which will also take time to type since I find a long blib always impressive.

Then there is also the problem that I keep thinking about food. Amongst other things that I am too prudish to mention online. Kinda.. But I'm sure you will know by inference, bringing me back to the you-will-only-read-this-blog-if-you-have-a-brain thing. But bitching is really for another time since I need all the good kharma I can get for tonight. Ovulation does a strange thing to me. Well, actually, no. I mean, other than the usual physiological stuf, I must say that I get a lot more calls for dates during this period. Seriously. It's something about the pheremones that women exude dring ovulation that just.. attract men. That's truly the animal instinct.

So I was dressed in my usual shitty drab here (since nobody really looks any better) and I got asked out! Again. I'm in no way tryin to brag here since I don't think I have anything to brag about but I think my hormones must be working really well. Ok. Actually, I need to stop typing here and go back to attempting to do something on MS Word. This will be completed sometime. I have a life ahead of me anyway.

A dreamer dreaming of a dream.

I am seriously confused and I needed an outlet. I don't think I really desperately need or want anyone to hear my shoutout but I need to write anyway. Perhaps I have been afk (learnt this from a dear friend of mine-- it means away from keyboard) for too long. Apparently I might have a little problem with keeping away from my computer for too long. It makes me a little crazy and I begin to drum my fingers alot. I wonder if it is a sign of addiciton. After all, I do not suffer withdrawal symptoms.. Kinda. I mean, I do not constantly think of my computer when I am not around it. But in my little apartment, we need each other.. Kinda. It does get cold and lonely here sometimes..

Ok. I am rambling. I will also most probably delete this soon. Meanwhile, some mad person might just read this.

But shit, I'm confused. I don't understand why I still obsess about a certain dream the way that I do. I mean, seriously, I'm not supposed to anymore. This is not supposed to happen to me because I had already worked it all out in my head and it was logical and plausible and I understood it clearly. [I am sorry, whoever is reading this btw, cause I cannot have a context for this but at the same time I need to say it just to clear my head so I can go to sleep. Long day tomorrow.]

I am level headed. I need to be level headed. God put a good head on my shoulders. Yet I worry incessantly about so many things and I torture myself often about I don't know what. I really am happy though. Meanwhile, I just seem to enjoy putting my mind through great stress and emotional torment as I replay so many things that have happened in my life-- happy, sad, angry, annoyed.. Wishing to relive some, hoping some had never gone away, feeling that empty space, knowing I had it filled, emptying it out again, wondering if there is anything there, or if there is anyone there. Wondering if there was ever anyone there or that I had imagined it all or created someone to love.

I hate that feeling. It's terrible. To imagine that I can place such immense stress on anyone to.. become another person because it could possibly make me happy. And when I'm in love with this dream, who am I in love with? Does my dream exist? Did this dream ever exist? Will my dream exist? Should I even call it a dream? I don't want to do that to anyone. I wish to make people happy but time and time again I seem to be so excellent at bringing misery that I am beginning to doubt myself.

I laugh easily and I seem to entertain people easily enough. Who is there to see me cry, though? Who wants to? I know of a dream who was there for me. Always. No matter what time, no matter how hard it was, no matter how painful. A dream who would dream with me, cry with me, hurt with me, be afraid with me, hide in my world in me, and love me despite all my failings. A dream who wasn't afraid to speak of love and of the immense love that this dream had for me. A dream that was, perhaps, lost. A dream that might have been thrown away. A dream that was pushed too far? I shouldn't. A dream that I brutally murdered. I shouldn't. A dream that I still continually dream about. I am lost in my dreams.

Une toute nouvelle expérience

So it's really hot in here. I am in my teeny little studio that I am calling home for the next ten months and it is probably 50 degrees outside but even though I have my windows open and the fan on, I am sitting here feeling really warm and I'm only half-clothed. Wait, did I mention I meant degrees farenheit? After all. I am already in the US, it is only right that I do as the Americans do (Think Rome). If you don't get that, you're probably american. But anyway, I guess I must be acclimatizing well huh. 50 degrees farenheit is about 10 degrees celsius.

I feel like dancing but it is too hot, Really it is. I was listening to Frank Sinatra having fun "Dancing cheek to cheek" probably with Nancy and I'm wondering when my prince will come and sweep me off my feet and dance cheek to cheek with me. I won't even mind the heat, honestly. I thought I had that. I think. But anyway, now Dean Martin is seducing me with all his little dreams of me. Sighs.... I'm getting a fever already with all that. And Ella Fitzgerald has to help join me with her "Fever". I love all these songs, I do, but sometimes they are so appropriate when they come on that they scare the hell out of me. And I don't scare easily.

I haven't written for ages and so much has passed! And I'm not sure I'm going to get much time to write once the internet and phone and cable comes along. I have a package that gets me my cable for half price for two months so I've decided, what the heck, try all the channels? I have this strange feeling I'm not going to head out much for a couple of months. So I guess it's just as well I just bought $140 worth of groceries from Albertson's. I'm part of their loyal customer program now. I am just glad at least I won't starve. What did I buy, really? Strange. The cart was full, I know. But I still have no clue what I bought. And it doesn't seem any less strange that Frank decides that I need to fly him to the moon. Or that there is strange noises coming from my kitchen cabinet. Shit. I hope I don't have to kill anything. I always feel vulnerable when I'm barefoot. I need at least to put on a top.

Ok. There's nothing in my cabinet. No, actually, that is a lie. There is heck of a lot of things in my cabinet. There is like some multi-grain rice thing that cost a bomb (and I'm not sure I know how to cook it?), boxes of mac and cheese, boxes of lasagne pasta, olive oil, sesame oil (that I managed to spill all over the place whilst trying to open the darn thing -- note to self: go out into the yard to open bottle caps next time; saves the clean up), vegetable oil, (I have no clue why I need so much oil actually...). There is also like salt and pepper, chili pepper, soy sauce (I found an asian supermarket 5 blocks from here - it's the only one around the city). Ooooh I love this song. There's nothing to dance with me, much less no one! Nat King Cole should stop telling me all this when he can't even dance with me. So what if he thinks of me every morning and dream of me every night? He says he's never lonely whenever I'm in sight. There's a slight problem with that though, He's not here. So I'm lonely. That's what's important. Actually... Not really. I'm ok.

Which brings me back to the darn cabinet. It's kinda sad. There isn't really anything inside. It's good cause I don't have to put on my top and I don't have to kill anything. It just made me realise I'm here with my food. That's it. Not even something to kill. Shit. Except maybe Marilyn Monroe, who keeps trying to seduce me with her darn boop boop bi doo nonsense. Which I kinda like actually. I'll love her alone if she wants. Wait, what Am I Saying? No wonder so many men fell for her... Heck, I'll fall for her. And I'm not even physically equipped for it.

I'm eating this really gross looking food. It tastes pretty good though, and it's seriously healthy. I think. Hang on, let me take a picture of it. Actually, it's almost gone now so the picture is what's left of it. I decided to get creative last night cause I bought a pint of fresh raspberries from the Saturday Farmer's Market (which is lovely, btw, so I hope I will have time to go again, take more pictures and describe it better) so I thought I would make some breakfast for today. I got some yoghurt I bought, added a bunch of raspberries, and cut up a banana into small chunks and mixed it all together. It is altogether very very healthy but the problem is that I didn't have time to eat it this morning. Heck, I didn't even have enough time to finish drinking the half glass of milk I poured out. And I still missed the freaking bus. I should've just stayed and had my darn breakfast.

Did I mention I have been missing the straight bus every single day? It is almost like a habit already. I will get there, stand at the intersection waiting to cross the road, and watch the bus drive away every freaking day. It's a good thing I have common sense (which isn't so common, as I probably already mentioned before) and half a brain and I just take other buses to the interchange (Eugene Station) and then change bus from there to get to college. You know, I never thought I would even be saying this! Me the cab girl. Taking the bus here. But it really isn't half as bad! The buses are on time, leave on time, are large and comfy with nice and friendly conductors. Only problem is usually that.... Er... I'm sorta not on time. Heh.

My contacts are drying out in this non-humid weather. And I really ought to get down to checking my darn health booklet myself to see if I actually have to take any vaccination here. I am seriously praying I don't have to cause I have been tortured enough by various nurses (bless your hearts, it's just I don't work well with needles no matter how nice you may be) that I am hoping this trip will be a happy, healthy, and needle-free atmosphere. The cold I can live with. The wetness that will come I will be able to live with. Needles from the christmas tree I will definitely be able to live with. Injection needles? NO thank you.

So I really ought to finish up the food and wash the bowl (yes you heard me right, I do wash up things other than myself). Then I gotta work out what my professor wants from me for tomorrow so I can write it out and pass it to him. All because I didn't bring a printer. But the cheapest ones here are really expensive so I will be really hip now and go retro. In fact, if you see my room, you'll think I'm real hip-pie. And if I still don't watch what I eat here with all these unhealthy gigantic proportions, I'm going to be real hip-po. Ok. I am seriously getting too corny. Probably cause Michael Buble keeps whispering in my ear for me to put my head on his shoulder. Oooooh... Do you think he really means it? Shoulder, anyone? :)

A friend of a friend doesn't make you my friend

It's funny how some moments just pass us by and you know things will never be the same again. It could be with friends, family, "significant others", loved ones, acquaintances or even strangers. Of course, being logical, time never turns itself back so technically every moment that has passed is lost to us. But that, is of course not what I mean.

I remember talking to one of my friends before about his having to leave close friends he's lived with and loved (alright, I added this emotion and word but I do not believe it is too strong for this context) for years that he just had to leave because they had come to a point where life was leading them in separate directions and they could no longer be together despite the longing to. I know this sounds a little on the gay side but I reassure you this friend of mine is all alpha-male as far as I know...

I'm pretty certain many people face this on a regular basis, especially school-going people (sometimes known as students), since the changing of classes within a school as well as graduating from one school to the next etc leaves us with various opportunities for passing moments, fleeting friendships. I speak for myself, mainly, because these have left many empty spaces in my mind and heart whilst rapidly filling up my address book and mobile phonebook to no end.

I'm definitely not saying that you can't keep in contact. Of course you can. And if you are one of those people who do that immaculately, I heartily congratulate you. Because I am pretty certain you have fast joined the ranks of Irrawaddies (an endangered species, if you aren't well versed in general knowledge...). However, for the rest of humankind, it is quite a pain to keep in touch and despite all the promises of being "friends forever" or "always loving you", there is a part of us that realizes that most of the time, these things just can't come true. Still, I know many try really hard, me included, and that explains the popularity of networks like friendster and hi5.

Of course, it also depends on what you define as being a friend. I know of people who have never seen me before but have decided to add me on their friendster just because I am a friend of their friend. I am not sure how that works out for them in their minds but it somehow doesn't click in mine. I think I am supposed to have had some sort of contact with you before I can consider you a friend?? And obviously, contact does not need to be overtly intimate like hugging or kissing and the works... But the whole "I find you f***ing hot" thing does not quite count as contact either. In case you didn't realise, being a friend of my friend does not make you my friend. I'm not being exclusive. Just get to know me. You may be surprised. After all, I shock the hell outta me every day.

At this point, the lyrics of a certain song I love pops into mind and this song has gotten me through some heartache and through much realization. In essence, this is an idealistic and egotistical song. After all, the protagonist actually believes that there was love in the first place and also that this love would be great enough to conquer all. This overwhelming type of love obviously doesn't come often. But I believe that it does, once in awhile, and no matter how we feel after it has passed, it ought not discount that love and those emotions.

Though Mariah Carey has had ups and downs in her mental and emotional state throughout her musical career and her life, I think all these have made her all the more talented and able to write music from her heart. Her trials may not have made her stronger, sometimes a little more psycho (but who isn't a little mad to begin with), it has brought me many songs that I feel deeply for and the following lyrics is of the song I mentioned earlier, written by Mariah during her tumultuous divorce:

When you love someone so deeply they become your life, it's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside. Blindly I imagined I could keep you under glass, now I understand to hold you I must open up my hands and watch you rise.

Spread your wings and prepare to fly, for you have become a butterfly, fly abandonedly into the sun. If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
so spread your wings and fly, butterfly.

I have learned that beauty has to flourish in the light. Wild horses run unbridled
or their spirit dies. You have given me the courage to be all that I can, and I truly feel your heart will lead you back to me when you're ready to land.

I cant pretend these tears aren't overflowing steadily, I cant prevent this hurt of mine
from almost overtaking me. But i will stand and say goodbye, for you'll never be mine until you know the way it feels to fly.

Spread your wings and prepare to fly, for you have become a butterfly, fly abandonedly into the sun. If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
so spread your wings and fly, butterfly. So flutter through the sky, butterfly.

I thought I lost it, but I am still a bunny.

I think the entire energy equation is bull. I think everything is just contagious. But then again, I'm just talking about it in relation to me. So please do not boo me like you did in my Evo class cause not everyone takes Physics to A levels and not everyone who took triple science at O levels actually knew what they were doing. But then again, I am talking in relation to me. I do not wish to have that entire shadow of the class boo-ing me again. It's still playing in my head, unfortunately.

So. Actually, I'm just talking about going clubbing. I know a lot of my friends have expressed their various concerns about clubbing. Actually, everyone I know has an opinion about it. Not about clubbing, but me going clubbing. Some find it excessive, some find it hot (now I'm thinking of Marilyn Monroe but I think she liked it hot). Of course, my mom just thinks I ought to be back early. And seriously get down to packing my entire house that I'm bringing to Oregon (where I'm going for student exchange for a year).

I find my mom extremely hilarious. I know she loves me a lot so that helps. Else people might mistake it for nagging. I mean, even though it is done in a loud voice and repeated quite a number of times, I understand that it is mostly due to my possible hard-of-hearing syndrome from all that booming noise in the clubs. Or the speakers that I dance so close to just blast all the stuff she just told me before I left the house right out. Or I may have just lost my memory (you can read more about that in the other post, I think. Did I post that?? Or was it a dream? These things happen more frequently these days... I wonder...).

So again, I have to bring myself back. My mom is also hilarious not just because she loves me but she tells me the most interesting things when I go clubbing. Honest. She tells me don't drink from packet drinks (that's tetrapak for the uneducated) cause people inject stuff into it. And don't drink stuff after I go to the toilet. Buy new drinks. I'm not sure but the last time I checked, clubs don't sell packeted drinks. Nor does my family print money (that's manufacturing illegal currency for the uneducated). Oh yes, and don't hook up with strange men. But I understand her totally. After all, common sense is hardly common.

Right now, I'm just waiting for my ride to my clubbing destination for tonight. But I gotta get dressed soon. So I will leave off right here. Maybe I will have a story when I return. These things just pop into your head. I swear they do. After all, the best songs were written under "influence". Though I just realised that I still have not had the opportunity to write about how I am still a bunny. Oh well, it'll come.

Before I lose my memory

So anyway, I have many things to write about since it has been a rather exciting few months that I have been going through, both because I am a newfound single and also because school officially ended for me then. Or at least it is what is formally known as holidays. It's been a really long time since I feel like I have had a real holiday. I mean, a break from school isnt exactly a holiday since I'm usually not stuyding or in school anyway. A real holiday where I can be wherever I want to be and go wherever I want to go, no restrictions. That's a real holiday.

And I feel like I am blessed enough to have gotten one. Alongside finding hordes of wonderful people I can now call friends. And re-finding old friends. Rediscovering the magic that has been postponed from busy schedules, sucky relationship issues, immense workloads... I like to think that it's postponed anyway. True friendships always take off where they left off. No moment ever truly lost. Though I admit it is always nice to have the luxury of being able to share intimate moments and details of my life with people I truly care for, love, and adore. Yet it is as it is, a luxury. And most can't afford it. Cost-benefit analysis. Go figure.

So there. I think this is more a note to myself as to what I need to write down before I may suddenly lose my memory by whatever means people suddenly lose their memories... Stupidity, old age, accidents.... Who knows when I may decide to go against my nature and take a walk in my garden?? Then my coconut tree could decide that it's too old to hang on to so much children, or decide that low cholesterol is the way-to-go and so lose some weight by raining coconuts on me?? There would go my memory. Then I would have to rely on my trusty blog to remind me of my life as it was.

I keep forgetting I'm not supposed to tuck in my hair. I just did my hair, and that to me is it. I'm not the type to obsess about my hair or my weight or my appearance. I just think of things and go do them. Probably not the best idea, especially in a relationship (I found out by the hard way) but I still think that there is little point in obsessing about these things. Though, admittedly, I think way too much for my own good.

Yea so after going one whole gargantuan round as I often do, I went to do my hair. It's very different from how I have ever had it and I am pretty pleased with it cause it's different. If it's one thing I abhor it's being normal. There's nothing wrong with it but the stagnancy of things just kills me. I live on change and though sometimes it's not too easy to face a change, I adore challenges. It is, for me, a test of how far I can go with the help strength and guidance of the Lord. For there is no such thing as failure since even if I fail, I fail in Him. So that is not a fact, it is the Truth. And facts pass away, but Truth remains.

The strange thing is, though in my Evolution class in USP (I still strangely remember the module code: ULS2202) points out that religion is in a totally different realm from science and therefore ought not to be discussed along the same planes, I find that both hold true to each other in many respects. One of them being facts. Both in the realm of science and religion, facts are... (ok this is so going to sound ditsy so I hope Prof Meier will never read this) not a fact. For there are only falsifiable theories in science that can be proven multiple times and there is only Truth in the Bible for facts are subject to the rules of the world and these pass away.

So I really have to go now and I still haven't posted the notes to myself. Ok. I gotta write about... let's do this chronologically:
1) Little Voice
2) Ilmenau
3) SPSEA
4) Gathering at Sid's
5) Indochine with the six
6) Stayovers..
7) Clubbing (CU and Momo tt fri, Momo on sat, Mambo on Wed, Chinablack on Fru, Mdm Wong's on Sat)
8) Lunch at Geckos
9) Surprise Dinner Date cum Bday present
10) The excruciating hours I spent at Shunji Matsuo doing my hair

Ok. I am officially late for my next appointment. Screw it. Over and Out.

The product of an idle mind

Finally, I have a blog. It's one of those things one knows not what to do with. But I am happy that I have one nevertheless. Then I can ramble mindlessly in the middle of the night when my fingers are itching and everyone else is sleeping. And I will hopefully not have to repeat the mindnumbing details of my life that I have already lived through and have little perogative to relive for another 20 times.